are dressed like ushers at a concert.
The doors open and you enter the foyer of
“When adoring fans crowd the hallways,
to adore the King,
and young teenage girls scream like they are gonna lose their minds.
That is the time when I need to grab somethin’ to eat!”The door to one of the stretch rooms opens. The guests enter. Four different paintings of Elvis in performance are on the walls. The doors close when everyone is in.
I’m honored you could come and tour my humble
abode and see how your favorite singer spent his days. Even though I am
longer on this mortal plane, I am always here in spirit. The love from
devoted fans keeps me hangin’ around. Now please squeeze
yourselves all the way
in and we’ll start our tour.”
The door slides closed. The walls do not stretch as Elvis speaks again:“Here you see paintings of me in some of my greatest performances through the years. They are so beautiful. At times I love to just float to the floor and gaze at them from a mortal point of view.”
A barely audible
is heard. “Ah, that’s better. Now
A creaking sound and electrical buzzing is heard and the lights flicker on and off a few times, then go out completely. The sound of splintering wood gets louder and the floor shakes as if it’s going to give way…which it does. Elvis yells “Whoah!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The floor shakes violently and the sound of the room collapsing is heard.The crashing sounds diminish and the lights come back on. The floor has given way. Looking up the guests can see the room they just fell from, jagged edges of paneling, boards, supports, and drywall; everything to indicate the lower half of the room has collapsed from too much wait into the basement/lower area.
Elvis laughs an embarrassed laugh. “Y’ud think in my ghostly form I wouldn’t be so heavy. I guess I better get the repairmen on this. Hope everyone’s OK. Let’s go on with the tour.”
door has already opened
and the guests exit into
the loading area. Again, this is
“Why look! Them fancy car things are gonna take you on the rest of the tour! Ain’t you all lucky! Now watch your step on the moving belt.”
Once seated in the vehicle Elvis joins the guests.
“Wow. You look real cozy-like. Now don’t none of you pull down on the safeteybar ‘cause the King will do the honors.” The safetybar closes.
The vehicles passes under a staircase with a box of donuts floating above. “Dang! That’s where I left those babies. I’ll have to remember to get those when I come back.”
The vehicle enters the Portrait Gallery. All these pictures eyes watch the guests as they ride by. A few pictures are renderings of Elvis in some of his films, such as ‘Jail House Rock’ and ‘Follow That Dream’. Others have Elvis signing autographs and doing other movie star things (i.e. – getting fitted into costumes, being filmed by the camera man, etc).
“Woowee. This really brings back memories of my movie making days. I was a darned handsome kid, if I do say so myself.”
Entering the Library the cars face shelves of magazines. They are stacked and scattered on the floor. Actually, the magazines are supermarket tabloids, all with stories of Elvis. There is a large chair rocking itself with a tabloid hanging in mid-air. Elvis is reading it.
“Will you look at this? This makes my blood boil! Elvis and Bat Boy working on a new album! Why, that’s a bold face lie! Bat Boy is only doing the back-up vocals.”
Entering the Music Room the shadow of a very large person is seen on the ground, cast by the moon outside. On the stool cushion the impression of a very large pair of butt-cheeks can be seen. He is playing an Elvis tune on the piano, or would be if his hands moved in time with the notes; they obviously aren’t.
“Gotta love these player pianos. Anyone can be the life of the party now!”
The vehicle moves up the Grand Staircase. There is very little to look at. Just the banisters and plain wallpaper; no pictures or anything.
“I always felt this part of the tour lacked something. What do you think of a couple a large webs with black-light spiders in them? Maybe even a dead body stuck in one of them. That would be awesome.”
In the Endless Hallway there’s a large turkey leg with a bite out of it floating there. A suit of armor stands next to the Hallway with an Elvis wig on the helmet and a sequin cape around it’s shoulders. Every few seconds it does a definitely Elvis-like pose, then returns to it’s normal position.
Eating sounds are heard. “Sorry, folks. I got hungry climbin’ all them stairs. Had to grab me something to keep my strength up.”
In the Conservatory a huge gold coffin sits surrounded by wreaths. The lid opens as guests pass revealing a stack of Twinkies, Ding Dings, Yodels, and other individually wrapped snack foods.
why they put a replica of my coffin back in
The Corridor of Doors actually has no doors. The walls are lined with gold records. They are all spinning in their plaques and you can hear all the different hits of Elvis’s career coming from each one. The records sparkle like diamonds and a tinkling sound is heard everywhere (The same sound you hear in cartoons when there’s glittering gems and treasure around).
“Look at all them gold records. I was good!”
The vehicles turn past a large grandfather clock with a gold record at the base of the pendulum. The face of the clock is another record.
“Mama said that was a bit too much…but I kinda like it.”
The guests enter the Ballroom. A huge table is set up running from one end of the room to the other. Bowls and plates of food cover every inch of it.
“Ya know? Performing really saps my strength. Thank goodness Mama is always there to feed her little boy. Now where are those peanut and ‘nanner sandwiches?”
At the far end of the room where the organist would be is a little old lady (Mama) holding a platter with a huge turkey on it, smiling at the guests.
Then the guests enter Elvis’s Bedroom. To the right is a large canopy bed. A large lump under the bedspread and depressions in the pillow show that Elvis is lying there. On one of the nightstands next to the bed, a pot of food bubbles on a hot plate. Next to that is an open closet door. Inside the closet can be seen gaudy jump suits. A remote control hangs in the air above the bed. To the left of the ride vehicle are various pieces of furniture, a bookcase full of cook books, and a console television. A click is heard from the remote as the television cycles through shows. Each one has something to do with Elvis. Some are live performances of him; some are snippets of his movies; some are interviews; and one is an info-mercial starring Priscilla Presley. When the info-mercial comes on you hear Elvis’s voice “Oh, my sweet little Priscilla! How I miss you!”
The vehicles exit the bedroom onto a balcony into the Backyard of Graceland. It is night and searchlights move back and forth in the distance. In the Backyard, guests move past ghostly musicians playing more Elvis tunes. Then past a set of Elvis busts harmonizing to “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”. Instead of pop-up ghosts, plates of food pop-up from behind planters and urns. Topiary’s of the King are seen, and an incredibly gaudy fountain that changes colors is seen. The guests also pass a guitar shaped pool with rhinestone studded patio furniture next to it.
The guests enter a mausoleum. “And now for the grand finale, folks!” Instead of three separate mirrors, there’s one big mirror. Every few seconds, Elvis (finally) appears. He is in his ‘older’ Elvis state; dark glasses, huge hair, jumpsuit, microphone in hand. He raises his free hand like he’d do during his songs and he goes “Aaaaaaaaaaaa-Boooo!” and he disappears. Wild applause is heard and Elvis responding with “Thank you. Thank you, very much.”
Exiting the Mausoleum, Tiny Elvis sits on the ledge. “Hurry back! Hurry back! Next time, be sure to bring more food! I’m just dyin’ for some really good powdered donuts!”The guests exit the vehicle and then walk into the land of the not-so tacky.